Self-Expression

When I was eighteen, I came across an accident on the highway. A Jeep had taken a corner too quickly on a snow covered mountain pass, and ended up on its roof. I pulled over and ran up to the accident site to see if they needed help.

What they saw: Me at eighteen, dressed in my extra baggy JNCO jeans, wearing my kinky-ring dog collar, sporting some fabulous black nail polish, and expressing my deep love of WAY TOO MUCH eyeliner.

What they couldn’t see: At eighteen, I had lived on that pass for several years, and had helped with every snow related accident you could imagine. Also, as a First Responder, I knew we were an hour away from an ambulance, and I could help with any medical emergencies they might’ve had.

The man, who was attempting to flip the jeep back over, eyed me up and down and scoffed. “Not from you.” He turned and didn’t give me a second look.

That’s when I stopped wearing baggy jeans and collars.

When I was twenty-five, I had a faux-hawk and was working in a hospital. A baby came into the ER from an outer lying clinic. She needed a small procedure that I had performed hundreds of times. When I walked in the room, her family physician looked me up and down and asked if there was anyone else who could come instead. They went through three people, none of which had any success and all of whom caused unnecessary pain, a delay of care, and put her at further risk because one man couldn’t get over the fact that my hair stuck up in the air.

I grew my hair back out.

Now here I am, thirty-four and facing the same problem again.
I look pretty normal… even still; I was recently told that I don’t project the image my company is going for. I wear the appropriate attire, but I do so while retaining my last bit of individuality in leather jackets, Converse shoes, and sunglasses.

I’m not changing again.

We change so much for other people, to make them comfortable with us. Is it not more important that we be comfortable with ourselves? Letting my hair stick up and having a love of black doesn’t void my knowledge or experience. In fact, I rather think I am my best self when I am allowed to be myself. I bet the same is true of you.

Just a thought.

Tearing Down Walls

I remember a friend, a long time ago, who needed knee surgery. All the doctors recommended it, she knew she needed it, but she refused. She couldn’t stand the idea of letting someone in- of dismantling her weakest points. More than that, she didn’t like the idea of how much work the rehabilitation would be. So, in all her infinite wisdom, she left it. She reinforced the weakness with braces and tape and tried to carry on like there was nothing wrong. But life isn’t that simple, and while it may buy a little time, we can’t get away with ignoring these things forever.

Eventually, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to protect the weakness, it’s still there, hiding under the protective barriers, and it will eventually break… which is a lesson my friend learned all too well.

Sometimes things have to be taken apart to be fixed and sometimes we have to break a little to get better. Our first instinct is always to protect our weaknesses and to ignore the things we don’t want to see or deal with. We want to hide them away and pretend they’re not there, but we can’t ignore them forever- they have a way of forcing us to pay attention.

Tearing down walls and exposing nerves is painful and working to rebuild is a difficult and often uncomfortable process. You may need help. You might even have to show people your vulnerable side- but when it’s over… No more weakness, No more walls, just a scar to remind you of something that once was.

Image by geralt from Pixabay 

You’re Stuck With Yourself.

Family, friends, partners, children, exes, coworkers, lovers… we are surrounded by a network of people, most of us trying to make a connection so we don’t feel alone in this great big world. The truth of it though, is no matter how close we get or how hard we love, we’re still the only person inside our minds.

Knowing that, you’d better be one hell of a person because you’re all you have at the end of the day. Think about this, and I mean it, really think about it…

What kind of person are you?

If you’re angry- always yelling at customer service reps and road-raging at other drivers. You’re going to spend your years listening to the angry rants of a madman. That’s living a whole life where you are actively choosing to feel terrible, and for what?

If you’re a liar, you’ll spend years trying to keep your stories straight and trying to keep people from figuring you out. That’s years of your life being anxious and nervous.

If you’re vapid and shallow, well…good on you, there won’t be much conversation with yourself at all… Just sit there and look pretty. *wink*

But if you’re thoughtful and kind, don’t you think you’ll have a much easier go of it? Don’t get me wrong, I get all kinds of angry, I lie about stupid shit from time to time, and I can be more superficial than anyone I know… But I don’t fixate. I try to let things go, to look deeper, to forgive, and to be nice to everyone, myself included.

But if you want to go on being all angry, go for it. I’ll probably have a few swear words for you when we cross paths but other than that… I’ll let it go. You have to live with it, I don’t.

Just food for thought.

Image by denkendewolke from Pixabay 

Everything dies.

Have you ever touched death? I mean really touched it, been close enough to call it a companion?

There was a period in my late twenties when I felt like the angel of death. I was surrounded by it everyday and it didn’t matter how hard I worked, if I was called to a CODE, the patient would die. One, after another, after another, after another.

I was stuck in an endless dance with the Grim Reaper.

I remember my lowest point of those long weeks. I was doing CPR on someone, and for a second, time seemed to stand still. I looked at the woman’s face and knew I had lost another. I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I suppose that’s part of why it is such a difficult thing for us. Death is inevitable, we may delay it and buy more time, but ultimately it is out of our control.

As the months drew on, my curse was lifted and I was finally able to look at the life cycle for what it is. It may sound strange but being surrounded by so much death gave me the ability to face life head on, fully understanding all that it is.

Death is a part of life. All things die so new things can live.

People, jobs, relationships … they all end at some point. Parents pass so their children may inherit, we leave one job for another, and relationships, as painful as it may be, sometimes they die so you can experience new and better ones.

Death is often a terrible and painful part of life, but it also has much to teach us – if we are inclined to pay attention.

Image by Thomas Wolter from Pixabay 

Fear

Have you ever watched a group of kids climbing a tree? They live without fear and follow their hearts. If they fall – they dust it off and keep going, if they fall again – they get up again, if they need help – they ask… because no one wants to be the only kid left on the ground.

Life is a complicated mess of emotions and if you’ve made it this far you’ve probably been burned, you’ve hurt someone, and you’re carrying around enough baggage to fill a cargo hold. It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything, most of us are like this. Knowing this, it’s no wonder that when presented with something special – a new friend, a dream job, a girl who likes you for who you are- you’re a little apprehensive.

Risks don’t seem risky when we’re children because we haven’t survived enough of the consequences to understand what it means to be hurt and disappointed over and over again. So as adults, choosing the safe option seems reasonable… even if it means sacrificing a piece of ourselves.

I hate this.

If you keep denying what you want, if you keep holding yourself back, and if you’re too afraid to open up to new people, you will never be the person you are inside. You’ll end up a shell of what you were supposed to be and, at the end, you’ll wonder about everything that could have been.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying everyone should blindly follow every impulse they have, that would be chaos! I’m saying that if you keep yourself closed off because you’re afraid, you’ll never find the joy you deserve, and you deserve it.

So take my hand and don’t be the only kid left on the ground.

Image by Yatheesh Gowda from Pixabay 

Don’t settle for less than everything you’ve always wanted.

It’s no surprise to many of us that we will be working most of our lives and since it’s something we MUST do, why not do something that gives you joy? Why settle when the happiness of your entire life is at stake?

Somewhere in the mess of life people tend to forget their dreams and abandon their drive for happiness. They make “practical” decisions for reasons of stability or financial gain instead of the “risky” decisions that may be more difficult ~ but will most likely ensure happiness for much longer than a few dollars in the bank.

If you’re unhappy, no matter how brilliant your acting skills are, eventually your family will notice and the children in your life will mistakenly get the impression that money is most important. Yes, money is necessary, but the message children often miss is that family, friends, and JOY are far too important to put a price on.

Life doesn’t have to be unsatisfying, it can be whatever you make of it…

You have a dream, or, you did once… What is it? Not your dream anymore? Find a new one! Because happiness is worth pursuit.

A man I worked with for several years died a few months ago, he literally died on his way to a job he didn’t like. I don’t want that for myself. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find that I’m counting down the days to my retirement so I can finally live the life I wanted…. and then die of a heart attack before I ever get the chance. I don’t want you to get hit by a bus tomorrow without ever having thought about it.

Life is short, say it with me… LIFE IS SHORT. Say it again and again. Feel it!

Understand that we only have a limited time on this planet and then think about if you want to spend those years doing something that will bring you joy, or something that makes you angry, or upset, or just… dead inside.

I guarantee, right here and now, that it will be the hardest thing you ever do ~ but it’ll be worth it.

Missing Adam

For the last year or so I’ve been sharing my lunch with a man named Adam. On my way to work I’ll stop at the corner where he usually sleeps, on a metal grate under a tree. It’s dark, quiet, and one of the driest places he can find (we live in Seattle after all).

I try and mix it up, sharing fruit and sandwiches, but if I’m being honest- my lunches mostly consist of Red Bulls and leftover pizza- so most days I’ll just give him a dollar. He’s a nice man, and after a year of these exchanges he’s still pretty shy. In fact, the only things I know about him are his name and that he loves to read.

Most nights he can be seen leaning into the glow of a nearby street lamp, to light the words of his latest adventure, or sleeping on his grate clutching the book like it’s his dearest friend, though I suppose it might be. Maybe that’s what drew me to him in the first place, different as we may be, we share the same friends, live the same adventures, and find joy and solace in the places between the pages.

Except…

I haven’t seen Adam in a few months, it’s growing colder, and the snow is coming. I still look under the tree, every day, just hoping to see that he’s alright. But if I never see him again, I hope he found his way home, wherever that may be.

Image by Kasun Chamara from Pixabay 

Family

I suppose if you want to be an ass, you could live by the literal meaning of biological family groupings but you don’t want to be that guy, do you? Nah, I didn’t think so. No, these days family means so much more than a bit of nucleotides and I think the future of families will continue to evolve and grow to be whatever the hell we want or even need it to be.

Take me, for example. My family is as mixed and varied as the crayons in a box. We have a biological thread in there somewhere, but it’s not what binds us together. No, I decided what family would mean to me when I was twelve years old and literally dying in a hospital bed. My mom called my biological father and put him on the phone with me. I’ll never forget his words.

“You don’t like, want me to come or anything, do you?”

I turned and looked at my “step-dad”, who was sleeping in a cramped hospital chair with a line of drool snaking down his chin…

“No, I don’t need you.” I handed the phone back to my mom and that was that.

I met my “step dad” when I was eight years old and he’s was the epitome of a dad joke from day one- but I didn’t really understand that he was MY dad until that hospital stay. He worked, he drove hours back and forth, he read me Dr. Seuss books, and he was there. He’s still there.

 As for the other guy, *shrugs* who needs him?

Right about now you might be thinking, sure, marriages and divorces bring people together all the time, it’s nothing special, and if that were it you might be right but no; my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my dad, none of them are related by blood- we just decided, in moments much like the one above, that we belonged together. Because let’s face it, you have to have people.

It doesn’t matter what you call them, Friends, Besties, Brothers, Second Mothers… As long as you all know the truth, that you are each other’s people. Family is whomever your heart decides you cannot live without, it’s the people you let in that don’t run away in terror, and the people you wouldn’t trade for all the world. And if you haven’t found your family yet, that’s okay, these things take time. But I know… I know it as sure as I know my own name, they’re out there. Hell, my parents are still taking in strays.

Image Credit: Bessi from Pixabay